In pursuit of Conscious Dying
Living in the Unknown
Week 1
It’s strange to be in this unknown territory - wondering if am I staying or am I dying? I’ve never had the experience or luxury of just being present and living in uncertainty. I’ve always been planning or thinking or attempting to manifest something. But when you’ve been given a terminal diagnosis at age 60 everything changes. It’s funny, but maybe not so nice, to spring this information on people — or even to share it at all.
Lisa Goodwin
Recently, my younger daughter and I went to the bank to get her added to my account so she can receive money in my name and to have a form notarized. The bank manager had us in her office to do the notarizing and read the authorization to cremate form. She looked up at us quizzically and said, “well, I guess it's never too early “. I looked at her and said, “I’m dying.” The shock registers in her face and body, “You, you look so good. You?” My daughter tells her that I have cancer all in my body. She said again, “you look so good”. I smiled at her, thinking looks can be deceiving. What can you say to that? I haven’t done that to anyone else recently although to get an appointment with my attorney, I used the I’m dying excuse to get an early appointment. I may use it again if it's helpful.
The hospice workers all say they love me and can’t wait to come see me. I think it's my attitude and obviously joy at having them visit me. Or perhaps it's because I’m conscious and can interact with them! I share a lot with people about this surrendered state I’m in. While we, as a society, have been taught to plan, control and effort, this is the opposite. There is no controlling here. There isn’t any real planning either. There is a sense of if I stay, I’ll be so grateful and do my best to be in awe and flow. There’s also a relief with thinking that I’m leaving and no longer have to effort or struggle or witness the way people treat each other in unkind and deceitful ways. Then, I feel like I’m taking the easy way out. What if I really have accomplished all I came here to do in this lifetime and its mission accomplished? Then, my response is, is it ever accomplished? The universe is infinite and expanding. Could anything ever really be completed?
Feelings of uncertainty are the most prevalent. There is some fear about what dying will look like and whether it will be painful. I feel strongly that my consciousness will continue and will have great adventures too. I also believe that I will be able to be with my loved ones as a consciousness whenever I’d like. I hope that they will be able to sense and feel me as well.
If I died tomorrow, what would I want people to know about my life? That I loved and I loved deeply. I saw everyone as an equal. We’re all in this ”school” together - some in grade school, some in college, others working on their PhD.
I believe everyone has an important role to play. I’d often give money or food to homeless people when I saw them, acknowledging that they are giving me the experience of compassion and generosity. I felt the unfairness and deception in our society deeply. When I was married, I realized that I can never convince another of anything, so I don’t try. I simply state my perspective and allow them theirs. I look at things from another’s perspective as much as I can. I don’t excuse bad behavior but seek to understand it. I feel most people are doing the best they can with the tools and awareness they currently possess.
If I died tomorrow, what would I want my children to know? That they are special and unique and that I love them unconditionally. Nothing any of them could do would make me love them less. I may not want to spend as much time with them if we don’t resonate but I won’t love them any less. I always hold space for them to be the best they can be.
I am close with two of my children. My older daughter has distanced herself. But that’s okay, it’s where she is now. In the recent past, my son and I weren’t really interacting. He still needed his space from me. But we’ve become very connected through our recent trials. I’m so proud of him and all the work he’s done on himself for the past few years. My younger daughter and I are housemates and besties!
Being a mom to these three has been an honor and the highlight of my life. If I am here to meet my grandchildren one day, I’m sure I’ll be adding them to my highlight list! In the meantime, I’m just going to be grateful for each day and take it as it comes as much as I can.
You can read the full post (and future weekly entries) on my Substack: In Pursuit of Conscious DyingThis version may be an excerpt or lightly edited for this platform.
