One of the lessons I have learned while working in end-of-life care is the importance of listening. People in general want to be heard, but the daughter of a mother who is dying needs to know that when she is talking to you about someone she loves, you hear her. This goes for anyone who is about to say goodbye to someone they love.

Learning to listen, at least in my opinion, takes time. It requires us to be patient, non-judgmental, open to what someone has to say and to never assume you know more or better than they do. To listen, means to hear their words, and understand the feelings behind them, to respect how they might feel and allow them whatever time it might take to say what they need to say.

To be able to truly listen to someone else, means to remove the distractions that get in the way, and to understand what it means to be fully present for someone else. I had to learn what that meant first. Being present means showing up. It means not projecting your opinions or personal agenda relative to what someone else is trying to say. I am a continuous work in progress, and this is something I am always working on. Each patient, each family member and every person I am blessed to work with, are my teachers.

I recently called the daughter of a patient, to set up a time for a visit. This was a “routine” visit, she was not actively dying, and there was no distress that I was aware of. But when I called, I could hear in her voice that she was nearing a breaking point. Initially she started to take her anger and frustrations out on me, screaming at me for calling on the wrong phone line. This switched to an emotional outburst about her mother throwing the water bottle at her, and then she tearfully said, “I can’t take this anymore,” which to me, meant she was referring to the care of her mother. She switched gears on me during the conversation, which allowed me to hear that what she was really struggling with was caregiver burnout, a very real thing. I took pause and gave her the safe space to talk. I didn’t respond with all the ways I could fix her situation, I just listened to her. And when there was a moment in the conversation that I felt appropriate to comment, I said, “how about I come now, and we can continue this conversation in person?” I showed up about twenty minutes later.

I sat and listened to her talk about how hard this has been for her. I comforted her as she cried, and I held her hand until she stopped. When she was done, we both went in and visited with her mother. At first glance I knew she was dying, and that it was probably going to be soon; I also knew that her daughter was very unaware of this. We walked back out to the living room, and I sat down with her on the couch. I reminded her what beautiful work she had done caring for her mother, and that while it hasn’t been easy, it was exactly what her mom needed to be able to get to that peaceful place in her end-of-life journey. I looked at her in the eyes and I was honest and gentle as I shared what I thought, which was that her mother was going to die soon and still needed her daughter to take her through to those last breaths. I honored her words of struggle and frustration and gave her the room to get to the place where she could be there for her mom in those last hours. I told her I couldn’t be sure if today was the day but if I didn’t share my thoughts, I would never forgive myself for not giving her a last best moment with her mother.

Her mother died the next morning.

I called her that day to check in to see how she was doing. The first thing she said was, “thank you for listening to me yesterday.” I want to believe that because I took the time to listen to her and allow her to let some of the weight she was carrying go, she was able to be more present for her mother at the time she needed her most.

Listening means being there for others, and being fully aware of the moment you are in. And what I have also learned, which I think is significant, is that not everyone wants an answer… sometimes they just want to be heard.

“Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity. The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.”

— Roy T. Bennet

Have you been called to become a sacred passage end-of-life doula?