When SomeOne Wants to Die by Tarron Estes

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When Someone Wants to Die

Lean In

Listen

Bite your tongue

Assume for one fat moment that

They know what is right, best, better for them than you!

 Know that what you are hearing is THEIR truth.

 Somewhere in this story of “I don’t want to be here”,

You will hear

Why death is better for them than life as it is.

 YOU be the brave one

Face every word and every unreasonable but honest reason-

Every feeling, pain, angst, and each point of suffering.

 See their open hand to God praying for mercy

Or their fist and jaw clenched, closing the door

on words they’d like to say, like “Why have you left me here in this horrible place”? Or “What good am I here, like this?”

 You may be powerfully tempted but don't give them answers.

 Listen to the difference in the life they once had

And the one they are now living.

 Have a little mercy party, a celebration with them

Right here in the land of their blown up dreams and wishes

In the land of “I never thought I’d be like this!”

 Shout with them as they scream and cry about all the

Things they’ve lost in their recent past

And in this current rough ride of their disappointing present.

 Then prepare yourself to bear the story of their unwelcome future

Behold with them all the ways that their body has and will continue to forsake them.

Listen to their mind disappearing --without a ticket home.

 How long are you willing to uphold someone’s wish to die?

And be the one to hold them in your arms without fixing, advising, or dialing 911?

 Think of all the pretty, lovely, exquisite, bountiful, glorious gifts

That this life offers.

Put yourself in this place of longing for death.

Place this longing inside all the other dreams and wishes and extraordinary experiences life has ever given you or anyone.

Prepare yourself to be bigger and better than you ever-felt possible

As you hold one of life’s most feared, unwanted, hated, inevitable realities we call Death

In you own body and mind.

Hold this without convincing or trying to talk them out of it.

Without shoving “Look how much you have to be grateful for” down their throats.

 Just stay with their last great hope “not to survive” this final wreckage of a life.

Don’t pretend for one more moment that you know best--

That what you believe is right--

That any kind of living is better than death.

 Tarron Estes 2/10/20

Your Life Story

/ The Conscious Dying Institute/
Your Life Story

I was visiting with friends recently and while we were sitting around the table, we got to discussing the legacy we want to leave behind for those we love. I shared that my goal is to live a life that leaves behind a memory for my granddaughters and that in their mind, I was a good person, that I was kind and honest and that I was someone they would always be proud of. This got everyone talking about the legacy they would want to leave behind.

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/ The Conscious Dying Institute/
Fear of Dying

While I do not think everyone is afraid to die, or even of death itself, I do believe, and I feel as though I have witnessed, a certain semblance of fear that happens days, hours, and minutes before death. I think the common theme that I witness, is the fear of dying alone, or being alone, or most of all, the unknown… which can be frightening and cause a sense of uncertainty, which I equate to fear.

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/ The Conscious Dying Institute/
Last Day

Working in end-of-life care has me constantly facing the reality of my own mortality. How can it not, right? Death is inevitable, my death is inevitable. It is the one certainty we cannot argue, prove wrong or avoid. So, knowing this, and having the mindset that you will one day die, does that change the way you live your life?

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/ The Conscious Dying Institute/
Conversations About Life... and Death

Yes, we are talking about the end life but if you listen really closely, what you will find is that what we are also talking about is the gift of life, the value we place on it and the appreciation we have acquired for its fragility. In my work I have been reminded to live my life fully, to appreciate all of its wonder and magic, and to be more wide-awake. Does that make sense to you, to be more wide-awake?

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/ The Conscious Dying Institute/
What is my take-away?

Providing care to someone who is dying is not easy, but it can be incredibly beautiful. With every person I meet, with every hand I hold and with every last breath I witness, I take something from each experience that makes me a better human being.

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Sometimes

/ The Conscious Dying Institute/
Sometimes

Sometimes there will be a large crowd of family and friends, which can be overwhelming and can throw me off a bit. I have learned to work the room, which means I assess each person, watching their facial expressions and mannerisms as I try to find the one who might need my support the most. I will go to them, sit down next to them and ask if there are any questions they might need answers to, or anything I can do for them. Sometimes I am spot on and this person welcomes the support, and other times, they don’t need anything at all from me and would prefer not to talk, and I respect that.

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/ The Conscious Dying Institute/
The Honor is Mine

When I sit at the bedside of someone who is actively dying, and there is no one else in the room… I feel a sense of peace. The quiet does not bother me, it comforts me. The knowledge that this person will soon take their last breath does not frighten me, it reminds me how fragile and precious life is and that these moments are simply a part of life.

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Thank You for Listening

/ The Conscious Dying Institute/
Thank You for Listening

Learning to listen, at least in my opinion, takes time. It requires us to be patient, non-judgmental, open to what someone has to say and to never assume you know more or better than they do. To listen, means to hear their words, and understand the feelings behind them, to respect how they might feel and allow them whatever time it might take to say what they need to say.

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The Embroidery Thread

/ The Conscious Dying Institute/
The Embroidery Thread

I have learned so much about life working around death, most importantly the reality of the reminder that in death, there are no do overs. You only get one chance to be there for someone you love, to have a best, last memory… and how that plays out is totally up to you.

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When the Last Petal Falls

/ The Conscious Dying Institute/
When the Last Petal Falls

She always had so many questions about the work I do, and very interested in the dying process and what it might feel like to die. In a million years I would have never known those questions were being asked because of her own personal decline, that she kept secret from me and those she loves. It was not because she was stoic and strong, it was because she wanted to live her life fully without the worry that others were tiptoeing around her.

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Trust

/ The Conscious Dying Institute/
Trust

Whenever I see a patient, whether they were just recently diagnosed, are weeks or months into their process, or have a few short hours until last breaths are taken, I am reminded every single time what a true honor it is to care for someone who is nearing the end of their life. The moments I get to spend with a patient and family are personal for me and while it is my job and I am paid to do this work it has never felt like “work” to me. I think that people, like myself, who provide end of life care, feel that it is a calling. For myself, I believe this to be true.

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[POEM] So Much

/ The Conscious Dying Institute/
[POEM] So Much

In honor of suicide awareness and prevention month, we lovingly offer this story from one of our graduates, Melissa Seligman. We hold space in our hearts for those we’ve lost to suicide and also honor those grieving.

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Wisdom At the Center of Death & Dying

/ The Conscious Dying Institute/
Wisdom At the Center of Death & Dying

Some inspiration rests solely in an exploration of collective human wisdom or wisdom traditions within spiritual study, and some of the fresh thinking results from a contemporary mindset of the 21st century. The overlap is found in new innovations that draw from accumulated human wisdom. The recent emergence of death doulas and end-of-life coaches is part of that innovation.

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When Someone Wants to Die

/ The Conscious Dying Institute/
When Someone Wants to Die

[Poem] When Someone Wants to Die by Tarron Estes. Put yourself in this place of longing for death. Place this longing inside all the other dreams and wishes and extraordinary experiences life has ever given you or anyone. Prepare yourself to be bigger and better than you ever-felt possible. As you hold one of life’s most feared, unwanted, hated, inevitable realities in you own body and mind.

Read More

From NPR's Morning Edition - Doulas Are Becoming Part Of The End-Of-Life Equation

/ The Conscious Dying Institute/
From NPR's Morning Edition - Doulas Are Becoming Part Of The End-Of-Life Equation

We often hear the question of how becoming an end-of-life doula is applicable in our world today. From NPR’s Morning Edition, this short interview sheds light on the importance of end of life or death doulas and their role in the care of loved ones.

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/ The Conscious Dying Institute/
End of Life Literacy Protects Us All

Let’s face it. Elder care isn’t ideal care. No one wants to age and die. We don’t like to hear about or see into the reality of aging, death, dying. Most of us don’t want to talk about it, much less know how to find ease in being with people who are facing the later stages of aging and death. The reality is, we have allowed medicine and politics to govern end-of-life, a sacred life event, with a bottom-line mentality. While we are facing the reality of an ageing baby boomer generation which will impact systems and economies, maybe what life is asking from us as a culture, is to wake up to the reality of our mortality and what quality-of-life means to us beyond the great saviors of medicine, politics and economies.

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/ The Conscious Dying Institute/
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I just graduated from the Boulder Sacred Passage: End-of-Life Doula training this past June, a powerful, life changing course. It felt to me like each person there, came to training at that exact moment, as if pulled by an unseen force, assuring that we connected and learned from one another.  

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/ The Conscious Dying Institute/
Death Literacy

Death literacy embraces a soulful interplay both through inspiration, exploration, and education. It embraces new forms of bringing forth the new death positive movement which includes sacred passage doulas. The intention for death literacy is to expand the conversation by being provocative using the term death literacy.

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/ The Conscious Dying Institute/
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Having companioned many people as they transitioned in the last days of their lives as a soul midwife, the feel in the room was clear and instinct gnawed. Naomi, my mom, was beginning the process of her ascension and separating from this plane.

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