Week 3: In pursuit of conscious dying: The First Spark

Looking back to earlier this year, I remember the mix of excitement and fear I felt when the idea for this series first emerged.

The Spark of An Idea

I had just started exploring Conscious Dying and was surprised at how rarely death was talked about. People would say things like, “I don’t want to be morbid but…” , I would find myself wondering: What is morbid about the most natural conclusion to life? I realized then that I wanted to lead a discussion that replaced that ‘morbid’ label with curiosity. Leading a Death Discussion and Book Club would help me and others alleviate some fear. This excited and scared me.

I wasn’t confident in my skill as a facilitator. However, I met a beautiful, smiling woman leading the grief support group at a local center. She was immediately enthusiastic about my idea, proposed it to the program director and offered to co-lead with me. Wow…look what can happen when you’ re meant to do something!

So, I started perusing books and gathering information. I completed a short training program on Dying. I chose a book called, “Heartwood: The Art of Living with the End in Mind” by Barbara Becker and scheduled three classes at the center. Whether I lived or died, I would have had an opportunity to discuss this important topic with others. Perhaps this could be a gift of service.

The Holding Pattern

I continued with several cancer protocols: Cannabis, Ivermectin, Soursop, and Rife. I felt stuck in the unknown - a kind of holding pattern that I didn’t like. If I knew for sure whether I was staying or transitioning, I would probably take different actions.

Underneath it all, I felt an underlying fear about dying that I couldn’t comprehend. I felt the need to cling on to someone. I didn’t want it to be my younger daughter. She already had so much to attend to. So I knew exploring this myself would be best. Perhaps through research and discussion, combined with tools like hypnotherapy and meditation, I could shift it.

Gifts Along the Way

In the midst of this, I was blessed with an opportunity to feel compassion and understanding for those with anxiety and depression. The Cannabis protocol I was on included a high dose oral tincture. It changed me from a joy-filled person to one who feels down, unmotivated and anxious. After a while, the depression became too much so I stopped the oral drops. I quickly shifted back into my positive self. I’m grateful to have maintained my sense of compassion and understanding of what it means to live with anxiety and depression.

That experience of “losing myself” made me reflect on my sweet pup, Matt. Even at sixteen, his departure felt sudden—a sharp reminder that we are never truly ready for the familiar to change. I found myself reflecting on the concept of impermanence. It’s odd that we seem to be taught to cling so tightly to things. The Buddha wanted us to embrace impermanence as a way to end suffering. This has been taught for thousands of years. Are we so afraid that we must cling to that which exists today? What about the joy of new - new experiences, new relationships, and new things? Why do we cling to the familiar? It could be a subconscious program or something that we were taught as children.

I began to feel there could be real freedom in the not knowing. It is a place of miracles - in fact It’s how miracles can come through. When we envision a specific outcome, we limit our options to some extent.

This brought up the whole idea of creating our own reality and what role visualizing and feeling play in that. I agree with much of Dr. Joe Dispenza’s research that we can change our reality by changing our thoughts, feelings, and actions. In August 2024, I went to a Dr. Joe retreat and learned all the science, mechanisms and techniques to consciously affect my reality. For months, I practiced his meditations daily, feeling deeply into the restoration of my health and the abundance I desired.

Yet, despite my enthusiasm and discipline, the physical results didn’t manifest as I had hoped. It led me to a new realization: while we can influence our reality, there are other factors at play—including a soul plan that affects everything.

Surrender and New Dreams

As the heavy energy of the tincture lifted, I decided to embrace being in the flow of life. For the first time, I felt myself surrendered to what might happen. I was open to whatever was for my best and highest. I could see benefit in both staying and in dying. To some extent, leaving felt like giving up because it had been so challenging these past few years. I wanted to feel real excitement and passion about something but what was it?

I felt good about the Flower of Life Bakery I wanted to start. Perhaps if I could clear some blocks, it could be an incredible endeavor. All of a sudden, I remembered my long-term vision of creating an education center with commercial kitchen right here on this property. This would house Flower of Life Bakery. What if I held Conscious Dying seminars and included fresh baked goods? That felt wonderful!

I then realized the third beautiful meaning in the name Flower of Life:

Flour of Life: From the fresh milled wheat that gives 42 of 45 essential nutrients needed for life.

Flower of Life: For the fresh wildflowers that would be part of the decorations.

Flow of Life: The concept of surrendering

This was exciting. Perhaps I could pursue both conscious dying and the Flower of Life Bakery together. I just had to stay out of the overwhelm!

The Birth of This Series

It was during this time that the idea and name for this series came to me. I knew I wanted to share my experiences, thoughts and fears and call it “In Pursuit of Conscious Dying”, Even though I didn’t know exactly what that meant, I set out to discover it anyway. This blog has become the living documentation of that discovery, and I’m grateful you’re joining me.

This is Week 3 of my series In Pursuit of Conscious Dying. Thank you for reading. I’ll be sharing a new post every week right here.