Week 4: In pursuit of conscious living & dying: beyond the Positive mindset

A note to my dear readers:

You may notice a slight change in the header of this publication. What began as In Pursuit of Conscious Dying has evolved into In Pursuit of Conscious Living & Dying.

As I continue to share this journey, it has become clear that these two concepts are not separate. To look honestly at death is to learn how to live more fully, and to live consciously is to prepare for a sacred transition. Thank you for accompanying me on this path.

The Illusion of Control

This week I’m finding that my mind is still the problem. I wish it weren’t so, but it is. There would be no suffering if it weren’t for the thoughts and preferences that I have. I feel it could be bliss to finally be fully surrendered—in flow with everything, trusting that I’m being guided in every moment. I’d like to get there.

Despite my best efforts, I still struggle. Perhaps it’s that our society is still teaching and preaching ‘control’. I get a strange reaction sometimes when I speak about being ok with either living or dying. People are like, “don’t give up”. I understand our need to have things the way we want or expect. But being surrendered is not giving up. It’s about not resisting. It’s about making the best of what shows up. It’s about understanding that on a conscious level we are not in control of everything. As I’ve shared before, I believe in our ability to create, but I’ve also come to respect the existence of a larger force.

The Nature of Prayer

So this makes me wonder about the mechanism of prayer. Is prayer a beseeching of some sort, a request line or something more? If we are all part of the Divine intelligence, prayer could be an affirmation or a reiteration of our desired outcome. Perhaps it’s a clarification mechanism. I’m not sure and I’d like to explore more.

The Pressure to “Stay Positive”

Recently, I spoke with two spiritual friends who surprised me. One said that there is no death, only rebirth. I disagreed, explaining that this is a problem in our society. We are uncomfortable with death and choose not to engage with it. But it’s an important part of the cycles of nature. They were encouraging me to be mindful of my words and to speak as if I were living into the future.

I understand this. I’ve lived my life in a positive, joy-filled state and it has served me well. Through this cancer journey, I have found that practicing techniques that keep your words and mind focused on what you want can be helpful but they don’t always produce the outcomes I’m envisioning. It’s not that I don’t believe these techniques can work, because I have witnessed them in my own life, but it’s that I believe there could be that larger force impacting us. It also could be that I am attaching to a specific outcome without the benefit of a higher perspective.

The Weight of Expectation

I believe in free will and our ability to use our will to create what we want. If only free will were involved, my life and many others’ would be substantially different. Some would say, you’re not fully aligned with your higher self or the divine and that’s why the desired outcome hasn’t appeared. Again, who hasn’t beseeched God in prayer or commanded the universe to no avail?

It’s hard to be surrendered and joyful without worrying about the outcome. Add to that the taboo subject of death and it gets even harder. What we don’t know, we sometimes fear. That’s my feeling about death. The more I learn and become exposed to the process, the more I’ll be comfortable with it. If we talk about it more, will that bring it on sooner or cause it? No, again, history shows that is not the case.

The downside of all the stay positive, speak only what you want to have happen, visualize what you want, control your thoughts, is that we feel like a failure if we don’t succeed. There could be tremendous guilt too. As I spoke to the second friend about possible outcomes of this cancer journey, they asked me if I wanted to live. I said “yes” and explained that I’m ok to die too. Again, I felt the gentle weight of a reprimand—the suggestion that I shouldn’t talk like that. But I’ve realized that my openness to either outcome isn’t a lack of faith, it’s detachment and trust. It is a choice to find my own sustaining peace rather than clinging to something I cannot control.

The friend clearly wanted to help me see it their way. I was told I must focus only on the desired outcome and stay mindful of my every word, thought, and deed. I could already feel the guilt that would arise from such a mindset—the implication that if I died, I simply hadn’t ‘thought’ correctly or envisioned enough.

I explained that I had been practicing Dr. Joe Dispenza’s meditations every day for months, applying the techniques I learned at his 2024 retreat about the science of healing through thought and emotion. My friend’s response was that it simply wasn’t long enough. I could sense the feeling of inadequacy was beginning to creep in.

A Sacred Uncoupling

As I continue on this journey of discovery, I will consider these concepts more. There is definitely some excitement in the uncovering process. I appreciate the support I’m receiving and these rich conversations that let me explore my own beliefs and hear others express theirs. Death is not a failure of any sort.

It is an uncoupling of the body from the soul. In essence it’s a freeing of the soul. In that way, it is a beautiful, sacred event.

This is Week 4 of my series In Pursuit of Conscious Living & Dying. Thank you for reading. I’ll be sharing a new post every week right here.