Week 7: In Pursuit of conscious living & dying: Trusting the inherent wisdom of the body

A note to my dear readers:

I have been experiencing a decline in my health. It is now clear that I will be transitioning soon. I have many blog posts already written that I believe still have meaning and ask important questions. So, I plan to keep releasing them as I’m able. I thank you for walking this road with me and for your support.

This is Post 7 of my series In Pursuit of Conscious Living & Dying.

Being open hearted and of service

This morning I had my first instance of not feeling well in a while.  I kept telling my body that I trust its wisdom, and I support it.  I don’t know if that does anything but it makes me feel better.  If I can’t trust my body then I find myself worrying over every ache and trip to the bathroom.  What if our bodies have innate wisdom that we can trust and be in flow with?  Then I don’t have to figure everything out mentally.  I can just take deep breaths and relax.  I remember when I got the CT scan results that showed all the cancer last November.  The write up talked about a tumor causing a bowel obstruction.  My mind latched onto that and I was immediately consumed with thoughts, fears and worries about that.  I did not want a bowel blockage to take me out.  After a few days of this worry, I heard in my mind “Trust the wisdom of your body”. Oh my goodness, the shift was big.  I could feel those fears drain away.  Now anytime I find myself worrying about my physical being, I tell myself, “I trust the wisdom of my body.”  It just makes all the difference to me. 

Open Heart

I’m noticing that my heart continues to remain open and tender.  I find myself emotional and crying over so many things: the gratitude my daughter Hope expresses over living here on this property, the support my son’s girlfriend’s family is providing him, the love I feel for my friends.  I have my little furry companion to thank for some of this.  His dying in January broke my heart open.  I can now feel so much.  I understand better how women who are emotional feel and the discomfort they endure sometimes because of it.  Some people are uncomfortable when I become emotional. I can’t really control it nor would I want to at this point.  I have finally come to the place where I’ve moved out of my head and into my heart much more fully.  Perhaps this is mission accomplished for me.  I know it’s been a lifelong project on some level to stop stuffing all the feelings into my physical body and express them.  What I observe now is when a heavy feeling comes over me, I just let it be and move through me.  This form of non-resistance lets the emotion pass through me quickly and easily.  I’ve heard it said that emotions are just energy in motion.  That describes my experience. I’m continuing to learn and grow.  Who knew cancer could provide such an opportunity?

Peace with the Unknown

I spoke to a friend yesterday who is on her own cancer journey.  She has similar beliefs to mine about our consciousness continuing on after our physical body dies.  She shared that even if she is wrong and nothing happens after we die, she’s still not afraid.  This was a new line of thinking for me.  I’ve been so sure of an afterlife, that I hadn’t considered how I’d feel if there weren’t one.  I, too, feel that I can be at peace with death ending everything.  Living without that fear is powerful.  In my experience, fears can unconsciously guide us and our behavior.  I find it’s a good practice to examine beliefs and see what their root is.  I’ve been surprised and you might be too at what’s driving some of our behaviors. 

Being of Service

Last week, I hosted a mini Death Cafe which will be followed by a book study in two weeks. We had a full house. There were a few people like me there who had a “diagnosis” that would most likely end their lives. Others came just to explore. A Death Cafe is just an open discussion about death and dying. Its goal is to get people talking about death. It was powerful to start this series and conversation. It has been suggested we make this an ongoing event. I hope we can continue each month by adding the help of others. It feels good to be of service to others at this point in my life. It could be easy to withdraw and become self focused. For me, that would not allow me to get the full benefit of what I’m going through. I want maximum impact on my community and friends. I want to grow and open my heart more. If my cancer journey can help both me and even one more person, then we’re both blessed.