Week 8: In Pursuit of conscious living & dying: “i tHINK i’M staying” and “i think i’m dying”
A note to my dear readers:
I have been experiencing a decline in my health. It is now clear that I will be transitioning/dying very soon. I have some blog posts already written that I believe still have meaning and ask important questions. So, If I’m able, I’ll release more. I thank you for walking this road with me and for your support.
This is Post 8 of my series In Pursuit of Conscious Living & Dying.
Healing our cultural conditioning around death, celebrating deep connections, and learning to step into the unknown.
I’ve been sick this past week with an infection. I spent most of last week laying down and taking it easy at home. It brought up concerns like, “will I get better?” and “is this the beginning of my decline?” I’ve started to drive myself and Hope crazy with my back and forth of “I think I’m staying” and “I think I’m dying soon”. I’ve made a promise to try and live in the present. Some say live each day as if it’s your last. That doesn’t seem to change my behavior. Other than some legacy projects I’d really like to finish, I feel complete with most areas of my life. There are places I’ve always wanted to go including Greece, Portugal and Mount Shasta but I’m ok with not seeing them.
I feel satisfied with most of my relationships. I’ve been telling those I love how I feel. Actually, I do this regularly and did so before I got a cancer diagnosis. I have made peace with my relationship with my parents. I feel it is better than it’s been in years maybe even ever. I am able to be more of myself and show up for them with compassion as they navigate their elder years. I’m closer with my son than I’ve ever been. It is a joy to be reconciled with him in such a deep way. My relationship with my sister and brother in law is also better than ever. Of course, my dear Hope and I are fully connected and able to engage completely openly and honestly. There is nothing I feel I have to hold back. My friends know how I feel about them. I have told them regularly for years. Why wait until you are dying to let everyone know how much they mean to you? There might still be an opportunity to write some letters to both family and friends, encouraging them and letting them know what I admire about them. I will write these and send them before I die. There isn’t really anyone with whom I feel I must reconcile. I’ve let go of old grievances and looked on everyone with the eyes of love and compassion as much as I could. I see and feel the suffering of people so much more clearly than ever before. The earth is a tough place to be. It provides a great opportunity for growth and consequently a large potential for suffering. Challenges can be both expanding and crushing.
View from the Floor
When I read the results of the CT scan from last November which stated there were so many tumors that there was no free space in my abdomen, I could barely move. I laid on the floor in front of my fireplace in the fetal position, my mind racing. It took me a few days to fully recover. I wasn’t able to even share these results with my community for months. The energy of people’s disappointment, shock and sadness was more than I wanted to bear. When I finally did share to my larger community, I received beautiful message of support. I was in a place of acceptance that I could be dying soon. I started to really live in the present moment and assess what was important and where I could let go. I wish that I and everyone else could do this more before we feel that we’re possibly at the end of our lives. Living a life fully with little regret and guilt is a gift to me and everyone else.
Why Do we Turn Away?
So why do we find death so hard to look at? I’m looking at a dead stink bug in my windowsill. It’s upside down and its legs are curled up. It’s unnatural to me…. but is it really? Life and death are both part of us and all living things. I turn away from ugly scenes of death because it seems as if the being might have been in pain.
Could we be conditioned to see death as something to fear because of all the images of contorted, bleeding bodies we’ve seen as road kill or in the media? Even the way we embalm people and have open casket viewings does not always bring us a calm, peaceful feeling. Sometimes it’s even frightening because they don’t look like themselves.
Gift of the Unknown
What if we were exposed to the peaceful, beautiful ways people and animals leave their bodies when there isn’t a trauma happening. The reverence with which some people and cultures treat the body after dying is also present but mostly unseen. I’ve heard accounts and read stories about families gathered, songs sung and words of love expressed as the loved one dies. Then a ritual is performed to help bring closure such as washing the body and wrapping it with cloth, using herbs and essential oils in a sacred way. This sounds incredibly peaceful and supportive to me. Some of you are shuddering at the thought of touching a dead body. But could this just be discomfort from lack of experience? I wish we had more of these peaceful images.
As I investigate the concept of consciously dying and embracing all that can be done to let it be a healing, sacred event, I want to collect and share these findings. It is my hope and desire to help alleviate the suffering caused by fear and consequently lack of discussion and planning. How would we live if we knew dying was just part of the experience. What if we approached death with curiosity? No one knows for sure what lies ahead. We can hear stories of near death experiences which proclaim incredible bliss and joy but sometimes we’re skeptical. At the bottom of all this seems to be a fear of the unknown. I have been experiencing that myself but this cancer journey has provided so much opportunity to explore living in the unknown. To some extent it is a freeing experience. I’ve always said I can handle any difficulty if I know what’s going to happen. Is that giving me a sense of control? I don’t know. I’m now experimenting with being more in the unknown. I’m trying out new experiences. I’m pursuing whatever I feel excited about.
An Experiment?
Want to try an experiment with me? For the next week, try to find something new to experience that you really are unsure about. See what happens. Maybe as we do this more, we can get to a place of comfort with not knowing. Trust that everything belongs and some blessing will come out of it. I’m doing something new already this week. I’m leading my first book study on dying at a local center. I don’t know how it’ll be received. Maybe no one will show up or they won’t like the book and judge me as strange. Who knows? But one thing I’m sure of, it will be an experience where I can learn something about myself. And if this life is all about self discovery and growth then I’m really living!
