While I do not think everyone is afraid to die, or even of death itself, I do believe, and I feel as though I have witnessed, a certain semblance of fear that happens days, hours, and minutes before death. I think the common theme that I witness, is the fear of dying alone, or being alone, or most of all, the unknown… which can be frightening and cause a sense of uncertainty, which I equate to fear.

I was speaking with a friend of mine today, also a hospice nurse, and she shared a story with me that falls in line with this particular blog. Her patient, hours away from death, reached across his bed and called out for his wife, who was lying next to him. She responded to him, “I am right here honey,” letting him know he was not alone. Those were the last words he said, and he died a few hours later. I believe that he needed to know he was not alone, and that the woman he loved was there with him… which comforted him, relieving him of fear and allowing him to die peacefully, which he did.

The uncertainty of death, the unknown of it all, can elicit a sense of fear. I am often asked, “where will I go when I die?” which is usually followed by the concerns of not going to Heaven, not necessarily Hell, but not the beautiful place people go when they have prayed and worshipped a God. I do believe that people who have a strong faith practice, feel more confident about where they are going and the security of their God always looking after them, but my personal feeling is that after we die, we are finally rid of all that causes us pain (physically as well as emotionally), and we can move forward in peace, regardless of whether we prayed or not. But that is just my opinion.

When someone is dying, and they are moving deeper into their dying process, there are things that cause them to startle, which also feels (and looks) like fear to me. This is why I always share with families and caregivers, not to touch someone without announcing yourself first. Do not move them or adjust bedding or reposition them without giving them some kind of heads up first, because that sudden change, movement or touch, can be so startling, they will feel fear.

As someone starts to slip away, moments before they take that last breath, I whisper in their ear, and gently touch their arm, and I say, “I am right here, you are not alone,” and I feel them succumb and give into their dying process. I need to believe that I provided them with the comfort of knowing they were not alone, something I strive for with everyone I am blessed to be with when they die.

Fear, “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.” Fear is something I want to remove from the dying experience.

Most times we do not know what someone else is feeling moments before they die; we cannot be certain it is fear, or if it is peace. My thought is to always assume fear, and with that in mind, I find comfort in knowing that my gentle touch, my words of comfort and my reminding them they are not alone will bring them peace.

Have you been called to become a sacred passage end-of-life doula?

Gabrielle was introduced to end of life care when she was asked to sit at the bedside of a friend who was dying. The time she spent with him ignited a calling she realizes now, had been inside her since she was very young. It was caring for him that inspired her to go back to school to become a hospice nurse. In her first book, "Soft Landing" she talks about the struggles she had going back to school later in life. In her second book, "The Hospice Heart", she takes you back to her childhood, which clearly indicates she was meant to do this work since she was seven years old. Both books offer an insight into her compassionate and gentle heart and the lovely way she provides comfort and care to someone who is dying, as well as for those who have to say goodbye.

Her intention is to combine her hospice experience with being an end of life doula, continuing to provide beautiful care at the end of life. Gabrielle brings her whole heart and shares it generously.

Gabrielle's latest book At The Bedside has just been released, you can get it now: Purchase "At the Bedside"