Week 5: In Pursuit of conscious living & dying: crying, coping, and choosing life

I’ve been listening to a book called The In-Between: Unforgettable Encounters During Life’s Final Moments, written by hospice nurse Hadley Vlahos. I’m surprised at how emotional I am listening to the stories of her interactions with her patients. I find myself crying a lot. I’m trying to understand if it’s sadness, grief or fear that has me so upset and feeling down. I don’t want this to be my immediate future. I’m choosing life. I wonder if I’m tapping into something deep within me that hasn’t come to terms yet with the possibility that this could be me. It could also be an unacknowledged fear that I have about being in pain and suffering at the end. I feel it is definitely grief for the families and loved ones being left behind. I guess it could also be my own grief at thinking about how my loved ones will feel one day at my departure.

I’m asking my body and my heart how I could look at this or to give me guidance. My heart says it’s sadness at what could have been. Can I deeply look at that and feel that sadness? Well, it’s hard right now since I’m doing really well physically and mentally. I don’t want to explore that sadness because I’m focusing on my wellness and healing.

Choosing to Sit with the Heaviness

Yet, the feeling is definitely there. It is grief - my own and my perception of others’ grief as well. Given that I’m feeling this heaviness, my first thought is to go for a walk in the woods. I love to do that and it helps me release emotions. However, in this instance, I’m feeling like there is more to explore here and releasing them right away might be a missed opportunity. My second thought is to reach out to a friend, but again then I’m not sitting with this valuable information. I’m letting someone else comfort me. So, here I am writing instead. This may be a good method for me to really be with my feelings. Thinking about just sitting or meditating would allow my mind to take off - you know it is hard for me to be present and mindful. My third thought is to complete some of the tasks I see around me…cleaning up the kitchen or finishing changing the sheets on my bed. But no, I’m going to honor these feelings and try to just be here expressing through writing.

People say there is power in journaling. I think it’s time for me to embrace that more than just once a week during my writer’s club gathering.

The Wisdom of the Heart

I’m also concerned about my ability to manage my emotions and feelings during the upcoming death doula training I’m taking. We are going to deeply explore death, conscious dying, grief and end of life care. Am I ready for this? Maybe. I’m thinking perhaps I should expose myself to as much of this sadness as possible now while I’m home so it could be easier in the group setting. I want to be authentic and vulnerable but not so emotional that I can’t participate. I will meditate on this and ask my heart for guidance.

It feels strange but comforting to ask my heart for guidance. As you know, I’ve been a thinker all my life until recently. My heart and yours is really where the wisdom lies. It’s the part of us that is attached to the higher knowing. Science has shown this to be true. If you’re interested, you can research the wonderful work they’ve done at the HeartMath Institute. The heart is our most powerful part with the greatest electromagnetic field surrounding it. In studies where they’ve connected participants to monitoring equipment and then shown them changing images of beauty or violence on a computer screen, the heart responds nanoseconds before the image. (You can read the study details: HeartMath Institute Research Center: Intuition Study.)

Just writing this, I’m breathing more deeply and feeling calmer. I must remember to do this kind of journaling and processing when I feel strong emotions. I encourage you to do the same. Let me know in the comments how it goes for you.

This is Post 5 of my series In Pursuit of Conscious Living & Dying. Thank you for reading. I’ll be sharing a new post periodically right here.