Week 6: In Pursuit of conscious living & dying: The Dual Track-Living Fully and Planning for a Victory

A note to my dear readers:

It has been a while since I posted. I have been experiencing a decline in my health. It is now clear that I will be transitioning soon. I have many blog posts already written that I believe still have meaning and ask important questions. So, I plan to keep releasing them as I’m able. I thank you for walking this road with me and for your support.

 Every day it’s hanging over me.  Am I staying or going?  When I see “evidence” of disease progression, then I feel grief and sorrow again.  When this happens, I find myself crying and wanting to be consoled.  I search my past experiences and knowledge, wondering if I can use the power of attention, intention, visualization and manifestation to keep living.  Then I’m perplexed.  I’ve heard it said that when we die, it is our victory day.  What if that were true?  Wouldn’t I be excited for that?  Who decided that death was something to fear and repel?   I find myself looking for distractions but I want to explore this idea of conscious dying with others.  As you know, I’m taking action to educate myself with books and online courses as well as creating a community by writing this blog, hosting discussions and being part of podcasts.

 A Shift in Perspective

But what if death really was a victory day, for me and those I interact with.  Why does a shorter life feel like a failure? 

It reminds me of the Rumi poem:

The Guest House
Translated by Coleman Barks

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Meeting them at the door laughing is a tall order. I can get to gratitude, but laughter... I’m not sure I’ll get there.

What about this idea of death being a victory?  It sounds preposterous at first.  Then, from a higher perspective, would it represent surrender and trust?  Could we imagine that if we had a life plan of some sort and we accomplished what we came into this physical life to experience, that we could see it that way.  On the other hand, what if we had gotten so far off our path that we weren’t going to accomplish this life plan or we didn’t accomplish our life plan and had lived a long life, would death still be seen as a victory day?  I’m not sure.  There is so much mystery around our living and dying.

So what does conscious dying mean?  To me, it’s about the awareness that I am a soul using a physical body to experience this lifetime as Lisa Goodwin and that I must uncouple my soul from the physical body in order to transition.  It could be long or short, easy or challenging, fearful or peaceful.  I’m choosing smooth, easy and peaceful whether my transition is this year or in 20 years. 

In the meantime, there’s an invitation to assess who I am and who I want to be in the face of this challenge.  Will it take me down or will I overcome? Does it even matter?  Why are we so focused on the outcome?  These seem like questions worth pursuing.  I’m pretty sure I will overcome.  I always have.  I hold the belief that things are always working out for me and they eventually do.  The creation and closing of my former endeavor,  Rise Well-Being Center, is a perfect example.  It took miracles to create and get into that space and miracles to get out of it. 

In the biggest perspective, I believe it does not matter if I overcome or not -  that all is working toward my good.  I may take the winding path instead of the straight one.  But I will eventually get there.    I’d like to view the outcome in the light of what’s for my best and highest good given the circumstances and my current attitude and beliefs.  I can’t always do it in the moment but usually with hindsight and assessment, I find I’m grateful for the outcome.  Now, death at age 61…that’s a bit trickier!  If that’s to be my outcome in the short term then I will find a way to accept it. 

Planning for both

Given this possibility, I am creating some legacies.  I have some fun ideas for my children, family and grandchildren to be.  Whether I’m here two months or 20 years, these legacy projects will be memorable and bring joy. 

I call this my dual track: following my passion to projects in case I live and working on “getting things in order” and legacy projects in case I die. In the back of my mind, I wonder if I’m spending too much energy on planning for my death. 

It is said that, “Where attention goes, energy flows.”  Can I really bring myself closer to death by planning for it? I don’t think so.  But I believe this is one of the stumbling blocks for our society in being able to openly discuss death and dying.  There are people who say they won’t talk about it because it’ll be more likely to happen if they put energy and attention on it. Now, I’m not sure I believe that but it could be a dilemma.

So, for now, I’m spending most of my time and focus on caring for myself  with healthy meals, rest, walks in the woods, talking with friends, and following my joy.  I’m learning to listen to my body.   At the same time, I’m attempting to stay surrendered and in the flow of life.   It’s a constant course correction and moment by moment existence sometimes. 

I’m also following the excitement and joy that I find on this new path that includes writing this blog and having you here as part of this community as we explore the mysteries of living and dying.